About

Exploring whatever insane paradigm this is …. Fuck it … its something.

First and foremost, yes, I am schizophrenic. Well, schizoaffective anyways, but most people can’t tell the difference. I am told bright minds come at a cost. Bullshit …. Dumb as fuck, but I can still figure some hard stuff out and do … like … school stuff. Got degrees and stuff … not sure how the fuck I pulled that off. Part of my hallucinations and delusions actually make some pretty good stories (maybe, that might also be a delusion). So I am on meds, but that doesn’t mean I am … I guess … right on the razer’s edge of knowing what is maybe real and what is not? I mean … for the most part, I think I am doing OK. My psychiatrist says I am doing good …. Haven’t jumped off the deep end for a while, but wow does my mind go nuts. I’ve lost most my family to unfair bullshit and honestly, I’m only here for who is left and my wonderful friends. Life sucks most of the time …. but when it is good it makes it all worth it. I’ve survived more suicide attempts than I can count, even being brought back twice. I’ve seen war, death, murder, executions, drug overdoses, and held people in my arms as they died after slitting their wrists. I’ve been raped more times than I can count, my first being a gang rape of 7 people in a tent when they discovered I was trans. I’ve been homeless, I’ve had my body sold as merchandise, and watched the bloody mass of my almost baby make its way down the drain in a miscarriage … more than once. I think I am at 4 would have been babies dead. Pro-choice, so no heartbeat is still just cells, so …. take that how you will. Can the heart tell the difference? Maybe it’s how I cope. I’m damaged goods and stopped pretending, and I don’t give a fuck. I do … for some fucked up reason …. still love life. Side effect … I’m queer as fuck, horny, pansexual, polyamorous, and definitely not cis. Not saying I don’t mind my equipment, they just gave me something I shouldn’t have and left out the parts I was supposed to … so … there is that. Some of my characters are transfemme, others transmasc, some nonbinary … Hell, I think I got some characters that are both/neither/whatever they decide to be at the time. I think its called gender transmorphism.

I deal with topics that people would find uncomfortable. Sexual violence, prejudice, human nature, dishonesty, dehumanizing someone, maybe some body horror, what happens when a hero turns evil and the paladin falls? What happens when they reconcile, redeem, or accept their new role as villain? What happens when they commit atrocities during that process? What happens when they weren’t an agent to their own atrocity? Sometimes I write the hero as a bad guy, sometimes the bad guy is right. I guess …. maybe it gives me power over my own experience? Is their any way these sins can ever be excused? I guess if we fucking voted in a rapist as president, maybe the population feels like it isn’t a big deal to just destroy someone’s psyche. Fucking pussy grabber child rapist fuck of a president. Fuck you. Anyways …. kinda mad at the world. Most of my babies are dead so … anyways.

OK, so most of my stuff is fanfic from other authors, and the idea of .. how would I, if I was a character in fiction, interact in the world or have their world interact with mine. I read a book, and place myself in that setting, or have that setting interface with my … whatever world this is. Lots of shit that makes se sound narcissistic or sociopathic. Maybe I am … doctor didn’t diagnose me with it, so maybe there is hope? So anyways…. fanfic.

Really bad fucking fanfic. Leave me alone.